New employees rules

1. HOLIDAYS:

Each employee will receive 104 days leave per year. They are called Saturdays and Sunday. 

2. TOILET USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

3. LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast & take a diet pill.

4. DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing designer clothing, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.

5. SICK LEAVE:

We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

6. SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

7. PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

8. VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, & Dec. 25 and 26

9. BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done.

10. OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation's, consternation's, or input should be directed elsewhere. 

Have a nice week.

HR

PS - Please charge the time spent reading this memorandum to annual leave.

Management

How To Ruin Your Children

Begin with infancy to give the child everything he wants.

In this way he will grow up to believe the world owes him a living.

When he picks up bad words, laugh at him ... this will make him think he's cute.

It will also encourage him to pick up "cuter" phrases that will blow off the top off your head late.

Never give him any spiritual training.

Wait until he is 21 and then let him "decide for himself."

Avoid use of the word "wrong." It may develop a guilt complex.

This will condition him to believe later, when he is arrested for stealing a car,

that society is against him and he is being persecuted.

Pick up everything he leaves lying around - books, shoes, clothes.

Do everything for him so that he will be experienced in throwing all responsibility to others.

Quarrel frequently in the presence of your children.

In this way they will not be too shocked when the home is broken up later.

Give a child all the spending money he wants.

Never let him earn his own. Why should he have things as tough as you had them.

Satisfy his every craving for food, drink, comfort.

See that every sensual desire is gratified.

Denial may lead to harmful restraint.

Take his part against neighbours, teachers, policemen.

They are all prejudiced against your child.

When he gets into real trouble, apologise for yourself by saying, "I never could do anything with him."

Tell them they are "No Good" often.

They will grow up trying to prove you are correct.

When they make a mistake,

criticise in front of others so everyone can see how disciplined you are.

If a child with ingenuity creates a useless (but original) "thing",

make a fool of him, he has to learn to be practical.

Prepare for a life of grief. You will be likely to have it.

[Original source unknown]